"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit." - Mitch Hedberg
"Gravity is a lot stronger in the morning." - Lolcats
"Society is just a complicated collection of individually annoying people." - "Son of the Black Sword"
"Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward. For there you have been, and there you will always long to return." - Leonardo da Vinci (ironically...)
"Here's another curse: May all your bacon BURN." - Calcifer, "Howl's Moving Castle"
"In his opinion, there was nothing nicer than a pretty girl with the confidence to beat up a polar bear." - "Monster Hunter Alpha"
"You must never feel badly for making mistakes, as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more from being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons." - Reason, "The Phantom Tollbooth"
"Humor is an affirmation of dignity." - A fortune cookie
"The rich make such convenient villains, don't you think?" - Bradford Carr, "The Grimnoir Chronicles: Spellbound"
"May you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows you're dead." - Irish blessing
"A bullet may have someone's name on it, but 10 pounds of C4 is more "to whom it may concern." - Anon.
"A play? ... Why do humans like such a farce? Living itself is already a drama." - Suigintou, "Rozen Maiden"
"Jack of all trades, master of none,
though oftentimes better than master of one." - Anon.
"An armed society is a polite society." -Anon.
"Sometimes one impresses by saying something, and sometimes one creates a significant impression by remaining silent." - A fortune cookie
"Remember that when you tame a wolf it loses its edge, and by then it's nothing more than another man's dog." - Iseijin
"Be the type of person that when your feet touch the ground in the morning the devil says, 'aww shit, they're up.'" - Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (and probably someone before him)
"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always." - Anon.
"Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you." - Anon.
"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something." - Mitch Hedberg.
"Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon." - Sally Owens, "Practical Magic"
"The internet needs a sarcasm symbol. I propose the tilde (~). Tildes are awesome. It's like a drunk S that fell down. Everyone knows not to take a drunk seriously." - Sevencardz
"Beautiful things don't ask for attention." - Sean O'Connel, "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty"
"Truth! Freedom! Justice! And a hard-boiled egg!" - Anon.
"For he who made you bitter, made you wise." - W.B. Yeats
"All of a sudden, I was snapped out of my daydream and back to my senses by someone tapping me on the leg and saying: "Your turn." Since most of the time I live in my head -- this moment is the story of my life. This moment when I'm happily lost inside my mind world and someone in my physical world tries to bring me back to the present -- so I have to quickly figure out who I'm with, where I am, and what's going on. This is why we daydreaming introverts seem constantly dazed and confused. We are like scuba divers who are down in the deep on a quiet treasure hunt but are constantly being yanked back up above water. It takes us some time to surface and reorient." - Huffington Post, "The Awkward Parenting Story I Probably Shouldn't Tell"
"It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life." - Captain Picard, "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
"... and rather, assume thy right in silence and /de facto/, than voice it with claims and challenges."
Translation to modern English (special thanks Dayna): "Understand that your opinion is correct in your own eyes, and shut up, because no one else wants to hear about it." - Sir Francis Bacon
"'Stalking' is when two people go for a long romantic walk together, but only one of them knows about it." - Mizore Shirayuki, "Vampire + Rosario"
"A modest man never talks to himself." - A fortune cookie
"Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall in love with a gorgeous redhead." - Lucille Ball
"Farewell, farewell to my beloved language,
Once English, now a vile oragutanguage." - Ogden Nash
“It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.” - Maurice Switzer
"There was nothing more bitter than a soul who had had its chance, and thrown it away." - Elantris
"FUD, FUD, FUD,
I hope you fall in some mud!
- Urban Dictionary, on my name
DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE.
You little rebel. I like you.